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Article Pwn My Life: Issue #64

February 18, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at CollegeHumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

Being a gay teen guy, it's really hard to find another gay guy to ask out. I finally met one through my best friend's brother. One day, my best friend, his brother and I were all playing videogames at his house while my new crush surfed the internet. Later, I asked him out. He didn't believe I was gay because I was so into videogames. He thought I was mocking him and beat me up in their kitchen.-Anonymous

I just saw my first naked woman in real life. I'm a junior in college and it was during a life drawing class at school.-Anonymous

I'm a soldier in the Canadian Forces. During a training course, I happened to have my Nintendo DS and a copy of Pokemon Pearl on me. When my platoon mates found out, they took to mocking me for it. I played it cool and treated it as though it was no big deal. Within two weeks, a full quarter of the platoon had purchased their own DS's and a copies of Pokemon. Now we have tournaments over the weekends.-Pte Pyne

Two days ago, I fell down a flight of stairs while trying to run down them to get a Hot Pocket during a WoW raid. I crawled back up the stairs to finish the raid before calling for help. I am now typing this from a wheelchair.-Anonymous

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article The Dorklyst: 6 Videogame Villains Who Fought For Good

By Brian Murphy and Owen Parsons / April 5, 2011

Most videogame antagonists are pretty one-dimensional: they're content to twirl their mustaches, tie the hero's girlfriend to the tracks and drink milk straight from the carton. But every now and then a villain comes along whose motives run a little bit deeper. Maybe these "evil" characters are just misunderstood heroes with bad PR. Or even a true-blue villain who repents and hitches his wagon to the good guy caravan late in the game. We love these guys especially, because villain-turned-heroes are awesome: They dress better, they don't take any crap, and they still have that aura of lingering badassery that a Mario or a Crono is never going to achieve. In honor of our one-time enemies that fought alongside us, here are our candidates for the prestigious Vegeta Award For Excellence In Being Less Evil Than You Used To Be.

6) Knuckles

The jury's still out on what exactly an echidna is, but if they're at all like Knuckles in Sonic 3, we can assume they're a race of pointy-fisted animals that occasionally flip switches that make you fall off waterfalls. Then laugh about it. A lot.

As it turns out, Knuckles isn't actually that much of a dick. He had been tricked by Robotnik into thinking that Sonic was trying to steal the Master Emerald. And as the last surviving Echidna on Angel Island (thank you, Wikipedia), it was his sworn duty to protect it. Eventually he grew wise to Robotnik's evil ways (the army of robot slaves didn't tip him off initially) and joined up with Sonic. Nowadays, Knuckles is one of Sonic's greatest allies, even earning a title credit in the follow-up game, "Sonic & Knuckles," after only one appearance. See, this is why Tails drinks.

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article The Pros and Cons of 6 Places To Play Mobile Games

By Andrew Bridgman / January 16, 2013
The Pros and Cons of 6 Places To Play Mobile Games - Image 1
Filed Under   mobile gaming   pros and cons

Article The Weekly IRL: Dorkly Halloween Round-up 2k11

By Staff / November 3, 2011

Filed Under   cosplay   the weekly irl   halloween 2k11

Article Yoshi's Had Enough

June 23, 2010
  1. Yoshi

    Well, good luck in there Mario!

  2. Mario

  3. Yoshi

    Go get 'em man.

  4. Mario

    You know, you could, uh, come with me. You know, and help-

  5. Yoshi

    Nope. I stay outside the castle.

  6. Mario

    You know, it's just, castles generally are hard and-

  7. Yoshi

    I'm not allowed in there. So…

  8. Mario

    But it's Bowser. I know it's hard, but we're partners. You can't just quit on me!

  9. Yoshi

    Yeah? So we're partners no matter what?

  10. Mario


  11. Yoshi

    Through thick and thin?

  12. Mario


  13. Yoshi

    And I can take my turn banging Peach?

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #52

December 9, 2010

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

This Valentine's Day, my girlfriend and I hung out in my parents' basement, watched anime and ate Wendy's. It was the best Valentine's Day I've ever had.-Jonathan

The other day I was playing Fallout 3 and came upon a room with an iron. I picked it up, not quite remembering what quest I needed an iron for, but I remembered needing an iron for some reason. After looking through my quest log, I realized it had nothing to do with Fallout and that I needed to iron my pants for work the next day-Brian

Around third grade, my brother and I would go to a weekly Pokemon day at a local park. All the kids would bring their cards and straight battle and trade for hours. Being young and foolish, I traded my rare Kabutops for a lame Chansey I thought was cool. After my brother realized what I had done, he talked some sense into me, pointing out that that Kabutops was my best card and Chansey was awful. I begged him to get my card back. He had to give up his prized Charizard in exchange. I'm a sophomore in high school now and I still have that Kabutops on my desk. I keep it there to remind me how much my brother loves me.-Anonymous

I frequently have to turn cheat when typing papers for class with length requirements. I decrease both the font size and margins, and manipulate the sentence spacing so that it will be short enough.-Anonymous

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #45

November 11, 2010

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

From 5th to 6th grade, I had the biggest crush on a girl in my class and no social skills. This was bad news for her. She suffered a lot pseudo-stalking, odd behavior, and random, creepy notes filled with my best (awkward and terrifying) attempts to imitate Shakespeare. Somehow none of it was getting her to acknowledge my existance. As if I hadn't traumatized her enough, I did the most romantic thing I could think of. I serenaded her with the complete song and lyrics from the opera house scene in Final Fantasy 3. In our homeroom. In the middle of the day. On graduation day. I thought it was going great until she ran screaming and crying down the hall. I'd love the chance to get in touch with her to apologize, but to this day she hasn't joined a single social networking site. I wonder why.-Michael

I brought the Maximum Carnage trade paperback with me when I got a tattoo, so I would have something to read while they did it. The tattoo artist asked if I wanted a spiderman tattoo, and I had to stop for a moment because I couldn't decide if I wanted to get my original idea or Spiderman.-Anonymous

I work as a waitress in a small restaurant. Our boss let's us wear what we want as long as it's appropriate and we don't mind getting it dirty. I made myself a bartender's outfit with an apron, dyed my hair blonde, cut it short, and started wearing sunglasses. Every day I go to work cosplaying as Heiwajima Shizuo from the anime Durarara and no one else knows it.-NK

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #9

July 20, 2010

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.
Was playing MW2 when I heard a guy in the background of another games mic saying "Dude, hurry the f*ck up! Your wedding's in 30 mins. So about 25 mins later, I was curious and added his gamer tag, he accepted, and I joined his game. Apparently the wedding was delayed due to some weird claim, and he's now on a killing streak, with every kill he says, "with how many kills I make today is how many chicks I'm going to bang a month, since my bitch wife isn't going to game with me. One of the reasons I married her too."-Arv S.
While playing COD 4 there was this really annoying little kid who was really pissing everyone off. He began to talk about how he was going to rape everyone and their mothers. Everyone was trying to get the kid angry but nothing seemed to work. I then asked the kid if he even knew what rape was. The line was then silent for a few moments until the kid then said "SHUT UP I HATE YOU!' and then left the game. -Kris S.
After he found out I'm from South Africa, a British teenager asked mewhether District 9 was real.-Hadlee
During a game of Search and Destroy on MW2 I was cussed out by an angry 12 year old child. This was followed by the kid talking to his mom with his mike still on. "Mom! I don't want crust on my pb&j!"-Chris B.
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article Halloween Dorklyst: The 6 Goriest Death Scenes in Videogame History

By Sophie Prell / October 31, 2011

Happy Halloween, Dorksters! I hope your holiday weekend went well. I spent mine watching the Hellraiser series, both versions of The Thing, and shotgunning the entire Alien quadrilogy, relishing in every gory, dripping moment. I thought I'd share some of my delightfully dark taste with you in the spirit of the season. So bust out the popcorn and the barf bags, because below are six of the most haunting, goriest death scenes in video games. Abandon all hope, ye who enter this Dorklyst.

6. Golf Club, Meet Face (Bioshock)

Originally, this list was going to be comprised entirely of player deaths, and all the bad sh*t that happens when we fail to press the jump button at exactly the right time or just barely miss dodging that axe murderer's swing. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized there were some fantastically gory deaths of NPCs, some of them were the most memorable of the whole lot. Such is the tale of Andrew Ryan's death in Bioshock.

In movies, we often see characters knocked out with a single headbutt or smack with a blunt object. Bioshock gets a little closer to what would actually happen if you were to strike the soft, squishy scalp of a human with the hard metal of, oh say, a golf club. The slurred screams of Ryan echo hauntingly throughout Rapture as his face twists, and the squit! sound of blood from his temples seals the deal. A man chooses. A slave obeys.

5. Chainsaw Piledriver (Manhunt)

Manhunt is a game with a bare bones plot to thread together gory murder after gory murder. There are so many to choose from, too. Maybe the brutal hack, hack, hack, hack, decapitation of the machete kill? The wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle of the wire beheading? All fine and good, but I'm gonna go with the one that makes my stomach drop thinking about it: chainsaw piledriver.

With the Manhunt chainsaw, you can invert the blade like you're about to stick a post in the ground, and shove it straight down into someone's sweet, succulent gray matter. The chainsaw cracks open the victim's head like a ripe melon, and ventures down into the chest cavity for a good moment or two, churning up their insides like a blender. Mmm, who's hungry?

Filed Under   the dorklyst   halloween 2k11

Article The Top 10 Dorkly Bits of 2011

By Staff / December 30, 2011

10. Mario Meets With His Agent

9. Smash Bros. Fatalities

Filed Under   best of 2011