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Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #9

July 20, 2010

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.
Was playing MW2 when I heard a guy in the background of another games mic saying "Dude, hurry the f*ck up! Your wedding's in 30 mins. So about 25 mins later, I was curious and added his gamer tag, he accepted, and I joined his game. Apparently the wedding was delayed due to some weird claim, and he's now on a killing streak, with every kill he says, "with how many kills I make today is how many chicks I'm going to bang a month, since my bitch wife isn't going to game with me. One of the reasons I married her too."-Arv S.
While playing COD 4 there was this really annoying little kid who was really pissing everyone off. He began to talk about how he was going to rape everyone and their mothers. Everyone was trying to get the kid angry but nothing seemed to work. I then asked the kid if he even knew what rape was. The line was then silent for a few moments until the kid then said "SHUT UP I HATE YOU!' and then left the game. -Kris S.
After he found out I'm from South Africa, a British teenager asked mewhether District 9 was real.-Hadlee
During a game of Search and Destroy on MW2 I was cussed out by an angry 12 year old child. This was followed by the kid talking to his mom with his mike still on. "Mom! I don't want crust on my pb&j!"-Chris B.
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article Halloween Dorklyst: The 6 Goriest Death Scenes in Videogame History

By Sophie Prell / October 31, 2011

Happy Halloween, Dorksters! I hope your holiday weekend went well. I spent mine watching the Hellraiser series, both versions of The Thing, and shotgunning the entire Alien quadrilogy, relishing in every gory, dripping moment. I thought I'd share some of my delightfully dark taste with you in the spirit of the season. So bust out the popcorn and the barf bags, because below are six of the most haunting, goriest death scenes in video games. Abandon all hope, ye who enter this Dorklyst.

6. Golf Club, Meet Face (Bioshock)

Originally, this list was going to be comprised entirely of player deaths, and all the bad sh*t that happens when we fail to press the jump button at exactly the right time or just barely miss dodging that axe murderer's swing. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized there were some fantastically gory deaths of NPCs, some of them were the most memorable of the whole lot. Such is the tale of Andrew Ryan's death in Bioshock.

In movies, we often see characters knocked out with a single headbutt or smack with a blunt object. Bioshock gets a little closer to what would actually happen if you were to strike the soft, squishy scalp of a human with the hard metal of, oh say, a golf club. The slurred screams of Ryan echo hauntingly throughout Rapture as his face twists, and the squit! sound of blood from his temples seals the deal. A man chooses. A slave obeys.

5. Chainsaw Piledriver (Manhunt)

Manhunt is a game with a bare bones plot to thread together gory murder after gory murder. There are so many to choose from, too. Maybe the brutal hack, hack, hack, hack, decapitation of the machete kill? The wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle of the wire beheading? All fine and good, but I'm gonna go with the one that makes my stomach drop thinking about it: chainsaw piledriver.

With the Manhunt chainsaw, you can invert the blade like you're about to stick a post in the ground, and shove it straight down into someone's sweet, succulent gray matter. The chainsaw cracks open the victim's head like a ripe melon, and ventures down into the chest cavity for a good moment or two, churning up their insides like a blender. Mmm, who's hungry?

Filed Under   the dorklyst   halloween 2k11

Article The Top 10 Dorkly Bits of 2011

By Staff / December 30, 2011

10. Mario Meets With His Agent

9. Smash Bros. Fatalities

Filed Under   best of 2011

Article Pwn Up: Awe-Inspiring Moment

By Staff / May 18, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Awe-Inspiring Moment - Image 2

Recently my girlfriend and I went to our local Gamestop. I noticed that there was a new girl working the counter, and that she had a triforce tattoo on her bicep. As we were leaving the store, I commented to my girlfriend how cool it was to see other girl gamers. With snort of derision my girlfriend said "The triforce should go on the back of your hand."-Logan

Back in the NES days, my cousin and I would play the Double Dragon games., We didn't know much about hardware capacities and all that tech stuff, so when we played with too many enemies on stage and suffered frame slowdown, we thought "Hey, it's great that developers add that slow-motion effect in the fights". Years passed and we always thought that was added to the game to make it look cooler, especially with the helicoper-kick in slo-mo. Now we know the truth.-Travis

Me and my girlfriend wanted to get matching tattoos. Being the Pokemon nerd that I am I suggested Minun and Plusle. You can see what she thought of the idea…-Anonymous (see below)

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article The Weekly IRL: Cosplay Fail

July 1, 2010

Have a submission for next week's issue? Send pictures to weeklyirl at gmail. Next Issue: Videogame Street Art.

Article Pwn Up: Awards Season

By Andrew Bridgman / March 11, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Award Season - Image 1
The "Every Game Is Edu-tainment From Someone's Perspective" Award goes to…

I smile every time I read comments about how hard NES and SNES games back in the day, because it was even harder for me and my friends. We lived in Mexico and neither of us spoke English, but we were able to get our hands on American games. Our curse was that we were RPG fans – and that meant that we needed to talk to everyone in every town (with one of our friends using a dictionary to try to get the main idea of what was being said) in order to make some progress. Needless to say, our vocabulary improved a lot, and that helped me learn to speak English better than any course I ever took.-Eduardo

The "The Family That Trains Together, Stays Together" Award goes to…

So I went on my first ever foreign holiday to Cyprus a while ago along with my step-brother (who I didn't know too well at the time). He asked to borrow Pokemon HeartGold for the plane ride. He only stopped playing a few times a day through the entire holiday, once to ask me to give him a quiz about Kanto. I've never been closer to any family member ever.-Anonymous

The "Love Is A Complicated Thing" Award goes to…

Email 1:My girlfriend and I met the day after my birthday. I went to a fall festival down by my house. The only reason her and I even met was that she was wearing cosplay of Chell from Portal, and the reason we got together? She had stopped to join a costume contest, and I placed my hand on her and said, (in my best Space-Core impersonation), "Space!" We had our first kiss that day at the park, and we've been together ever since.

Email 2:We broke up. . .please don't publish this. . .if you've already decided then do if you must. . .however if you have not. . .don't publish it in the article. . .I'm sorry.

Email 3:I sent that to soon…sorry – we're still together.


Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article E3 2012 Rumors!

By Andrew Bridgman / June 4, 2012

Filed Under   sony   nintendo   e3   microsoft

Article Pwn Up: The Name's Born. Dragon Born.

By Andrew Bridgman / July 8, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: We Love You Guys And Thanks For Reading The URL
This is regarding Austin's complaint about fighting the Lungfish boss fight: You ain't got no right to complain about Psychonauts until you have endured the horror that is the F*CKING MEAT CIRCUS. I dislocated a toe while kicking a hole in my wall over that, and inadvertently introduced the word "motherf*ck" to the vocabulary of a 2 year-old.-Ameer

During a mighty shift on Skyrim, My friend & I came up with our own version of Adele's Skyfall. I now sing this everytime I hear the song, watch the movie, play Skyrim or do anything else in life.

At the SkyforgeWe make good swordsAt the SkyforgeWe make swords for Companions

At the SkyforgeWe make good swordsAt the SkyforgeWe make swords for werewolvesAt Skyforge-RMD

Back in the summer of 2000, when I was 10 years old, and my sister was 7, my parents took us to Universal Studios in Florida. While we went on a bunch of fun rides, the thing I remember the most is the trick I played on my sister:

After I had gotten out of a ride, there was a little souvenir shop, and it had cool rocks for sale. Being the little kid I was, I decided that they were totally worth it. I remember I liked these cool chrome looking rocks the most. My sister was with my mother at the time, so she never saw them.

The next time I saw my mom and my sister, we were getting ready to go into the 3D Terminator movie. It was pretty much the same kind of 3D we have in theaters today, but back then, it was pretty awesome. Well, there's this one part in the movie where a giant liquid metal terminator was blown up, and pieces of it were suspended in the air. My little sister thought that it was amazing.

After the movie ended, I told her I grabbed a piece of the blown terminator out of midair. She said I was lying. I pulled out the chrome rock, and she just stared in awe at me. The best part of this story? She believed the lie FOR YEARS. Every now and then, when I think she's getting a little too big for her britches, I quietly hand her one of the rocks. And she gives me an angry glare.-Nicholas

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article The Dorklyst: The 9 Most Popular Types of Flash Games

By Kevin Corrigan / June 7, 2011

Flash games exist in a strange world. Anyone can make them. They're not bound by big budgets or proven formulas like their console cousins. Any motivated programmer or 14-year-old kid can make a game and get it featured on Newgrounds if it's good enough. Any time someone has a novel gameplay idea, everyone else wants to put their spin on it. As a result, some weird genres emerged. XBox games come in clear, simple genres like "sports" and "shooters," but flash genres are more along the lines of "games where you fling things with your mouse." These are the most popular game genres you can play in your Web browser.

9. Motorcycle Physics

All motorcycle physics games can be traced back to the old PC game Action Supercross (later Elastomania). It was a motocross game where you drove an elastic motorcycle through twisty levels, collecting apples and trying to reach the goal. Flash developers decided that elastic motorcycles and collecting apples were too much for the fickle Internet audience. They stripped it down to the basics. As a result there are around a thousand games where you reach the goal by pressing back to lean back, forward to lean forward, up to drive, and down to brake. Originality aside, there are a surprising amount of good motorcycle physics games. They're all exactly the same, but if you pretend each new game is a level pack you can play forever. They're not specific to motorcycles, either. Monster trucks, skateboards, bicycles and Mars rovers have all proven that they can lean, accelerate and brake.

Notable examples:TG Motocross 4 Trials Max Dirt Bike

Filed Under   the dorklyst   flash games

Article The Dorklyst: The 8 Best Videogames Made By Closed Studios

By Sophie Prell / July 20, 2012
The Dorklyst: The 6 Best Videogames Made By Closed Studios - Image 10

Studios can close for all kinds of reasons – talent has moved away, bankruptcy, breaking off into smaller entities, EA – but when that happens, their deaths are often not noticed nor remembered by the gamers who played their products. Some properties are bought by larger distributors, and many more are simply forgotten forever. We wish to remember some fallen studios and their finest games. These are 8 of the best videogames made by closed studios.

8. Velvet Assassin (Replay Studios)

The Dorklyst: The 6 Best Videogames Made By Closed Studios - Image 2

Created by Replay Studios, Velvet Assassin tells the story of Violette Summer, a British spy during World War II. Though not as free-form as other titles in the stealth genre, Velvet Assassin nonetheless proved to be an extremely satisfying Nazi-killing simulator (note: very few Nazi-killing simulators are not satisfying, although as of late zombies seem to have replaced Nazis as the go-to default enemy you can gleefully kill with a clear conscience).

The weird thing about Velvet Assassin is that the game takes place mostly in the head of Violette as she lies comatose in a hospital bed, having been seriously wounded during one of her missions, giving way to one of the game's core gimmicks: Morphine Mode. Morphine Mode slows down time (okay, makes sense), shows Violette in her hospital gown (less sense there, but I get it), and rains down rose petals while allowing to execute gruesome one-hit kills. No wonder it's such a popular anesthetic.

Replay Studios didn't last too long as a company, only making three games during their stint as an independent videogame developer, none of which sold well. The end result was insolvency. What's interesting though is the place where Replay Studios came from. Because that place is Germany. Which is where Nazis came from. And in Velvet Assassin you kill Nazis. Maybe gamers weren't looking for a dark, sobering take on the game studio's nation's history? Maybe they should have just used zombies.

Filed Under   the dorklyst