Pwn My Life: Issue #45

November 11, 2010

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

From 5th to 6th grade, I had the biggest crush on a girl in my class and no social skills. This was bad news for her. She suffered a lot pseudo-stalking, odd behavior, and random, creepy notes filled with my best (awkward and terrifying) attempts to imitate Shakespeare. Somehow none of it was getting her to acknowledge my existance. As if I hadn't traumatized her enough, I did the most romantic thing I could think of. I serenaded her with the complete song and lyrics from the opera house scene in Final Fantasy 3. In our homeroom. In the middle of the day. On graduation day. I thought it was going great until she ran screaming and crying down the hall. I'd love the chance to get in touch with her to apologize, but to this day she hasn't joined a single social networking site. I wonder why.-Michael

I brought the Maximum Carnage trade paperback with me when I got a tattoo, so I would have something to read while they did it. The tattoo artist asked if I wanted a spiderman tattoo, and I had to stop for a moment because I couldn't decide if I wanted to get my original idea or Spiderman.-Anonymous

I work as a waitress in a small restaurant. Our boss let's us wear what we want as long as it's appropriate and we don't mind getting it dirty. I made myself a bartender's outfit with an apron, dyed my hair blonde, cut it short, and started wearing sunglasses. Every day I go to work cosplaying as Heiwajima Shizuo from the anime Durarara and no one else knows it.-NK

I teach English at a college in China. They're pretty loose with the curriculum as long as I get the kids to speak. So far I've managed to: give my students names like Zaphod and Trillian, have them watch the Prince of Space episode of MST3K, learn the difference between Daleks and Cybermen, and choose sides in the Picard vs. Kirk debate. But the most awesomely nerdy thing I did was make them memorize and act out the best scenes from the original Star Wars trilogy. You haven't heard the line, "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope." until you've heard it in broken English from a Chinese kid that's never seen the actual movies (yet).-Terri, Changsha City, Hunan, China

Last Saturday I was in my dorm playing Fable III all day. I got to the point where I became king of the city. To celebrate, I went out and partied it up with my friends. I woke up the next morning to find that I had drunkenly taxed the crap out of my city, put children into labor camps, and lowered wages for all my employees. Now everyone in the town hates me. I blew my chances of being the benevolent ruler I wanted to be. Lesson: Don't drink and play RPGs.-Ryan

I enjoy playing games on my phone a lot. Whenever I go to the bathroom, I usually stay on the toilet until my legs go numb, then I have to wait until they wake up again to leave.-Anonymous

When I was ten, my father was hit by a car. His head shattered the windshield and he was thrown several meters. On the way to the hospital, my mother dropped my brother and I off at a friend's place, who had just gotten a Sega MegaDrive and Sonic 2. Hours later we got news that my father was fine. I had completely forgotten that he had been hit by a car.-Andrew

When my Internet gets slow, I walk to a house two minutes up the road with my iPod, hide in their bushes and steal their wireless to watch YouTube videos and check my Facebook. I am ashamed to say I once rubbed one out over there, too. While they wouldn't have been able to see me through the window, I would have been quite visible to anyone on the road.-Matthew

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