Console Review: The Xbox One

By Andrew Bridgman / November 22, 2013

After not receiving a Playstation 4, we were pretty convinced our reviews of the next generation consoles from Sony and Microsoft were going to be severely lacking. But then, like a miracle or illicit mail order pharmaceuticals, a package arrived - from Microsoft (addressed to my predecessor, but whatevs, FREE CONSOLE!).

 

It was a little smaller and lighter than we expected, but we figured maybe all those previews and videos and internet memes just couldn't show the scale of the thing properly. And hey! Who cares, right? FREE CONSOLE!

 

We quickly unboxed our hella sweet brand new state of the art XbahhhhhhhFUCK

 

Hmmmmm. Okay. Interesting dilemma - we have a review copy of Zoo Tycoon for Xbox One, but no Xbox One to play it on. Also, there's a hat.

 

As the top videogame reviewers on the internet, we knew we still had a duty to review the game we were given, by the same criteria we would judge any game...

 


 

Single Player

There's no getting around it: I found the single player experience to be a little disappointing. No depth of gameplay, incredibly unresponsive controls, and almost no variety.

 

Multiplayer

Multiplayer fared even more poorly than singleplayer: no interesting game modes, no splitscreen option, and - honestly - the experience was nearly identical to the singleplayer in most ways, except my co-workers were super upset I made them click battery-less controllers for five minutes.

 

Kinect Compatibility

The back of the box touts the Kinect integration, but I just didn't see it. Sad to say: stick to the controllers here. Or, don't, those didn't seem to work either (full disclosure: they were Xbox 360 controllers).

 

Online Play

Awful. Also, I kept getting called racial and homophobic slurs (coming from my  co-workers, but still).

 

Technical

Here's where the game really blew us away - it runs smoothly (no noise or overheating), takes up very little space (hard drive space or otherwise), consistent framerate that never drops, and is just insanely detailed (practically realistic).

 

FINAL SCORE:

THE HAT WAS PRETTY COOL AND HEY - FREE GAME, RIGHT? BUT WE'RE LIKE 90% SURE THIS IS JUST AN ELABORATE AND NOT VERY WELL THOUGHT OUT PLOT TO TRICK US INTO BUYING AN XBOX ONE

Filed Under   reviews   xbox one   dorkly review
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