House Sigils For People Who Watch 'Game of Thrones'

By Julia Lepetit and Andrew Bridgman / April 1, 2013
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This ancient and noble house has existed for almost 20 years – but of late, they've become aggressive and warlike towards the other houses, their egos boosted by their superior stores of knowledge and spoilers. After years of solitude, quietly reading books, they have emerged to exert dominance over non-readers. When not complaining about how "Yara" is actually named "Asha" or how Tyrion's scar is all wrong, they keep subtly trying to spoil events that won't happen for another 4 seasons – right now they're giggling about some wedding that involves the color red, but assure their enemies that "oh, don't worry, that's technically not a spoiler."

Historical Note: Younger members of this house were involved in the Potter siege of the Rowling highlands, which lasted nearly a decade.


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Always showing up to viewing parties and never familiar with the show, members of this house are simply unprepared for the hyper-serialized and unfriendly-to-new-viewers series that they're watching. Although they annoy people who watch the show and have paid enough attention to at least know what's going on most of the time, members of House Confused sometimes inadvertently offer some wisdom through their naive questions, like "Why doesn't someone just murder Joffrey?"

Historical Note: This house is descended from House Baffled, who died out after the Lost Finale incident of the year 1 B.S. (Before Stark)


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Although members of this house often have vast wealth, they choose to plunder the high seas of the world wide web instead of conduct legitimate business with the merchants of the Home Box Office. They claim they would deal with them, if only they could buy episodes individually from the iTunes trader, or purchase HBO Go without dealing with the cable nobles, or if the DVDs…ah, hell, they're great with excuses, but the truth is they prefer free things and would never actually pay for anything.

Historical note: This is the house that slaughtered House Passwordborrower in the Streaming Wars.


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Sure, these days sex and nudity are always no more than a click away, no matter what disturbing fetish you secretly have. But that's a little crass – why not get your weekly intake of nudity and perversion through a classy HBO show, like House Boobs? Except wow, those are a lot of boobs. I mean, this scene has nothing to do with sex, what are those two girls doing back there? And wait – they don't even have gunpowder but they shave their – OH GOD, WHY DID HE STAB HER? Holy R'hllor, dude, this is way too much.

Historical Note: Before the Age of Internet, this house was known for breaking the rules of hospitality by stealing House Threeway's copy of Wild Things on VHS.


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From the seclusion of the mountains, this house has somehow stayed free of spoilers and information about a show that the internet has become wholly obsessed with. Now, they've just started watching, and their enemies are many – those who've read the books, those who've seen the TV show, the entire internet – even ironic t-shirts are giving away plot details for past, current, and upcoming seasons like it's nothing. While House Noob remains isolated in the mountains, frequent attacks by Tweet tribes have left them weak and few. Staying spoiler-free on a zeitgeist show like this is nearly as impossible as steering clear of seeing Sean Bean die in any show or movie he's in.

Historical Note: Members of this house should have stopped reading this by now.


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OH COME ON.

Historical Note: EVERY. FUCKING. TIME.

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