The Dorklyst: The 15 Worst Weapons In Videogame History

By Andrew Bridgman / September 27, 2012
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"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."

This important-sounding quote was spoken by some guy after you die during Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, and it still holds true. Weapons in videogames, too, keep getting more and more powerful, yet there are still ones included in games that make us wish we had the raw power of some sticks and stones instead. We're not talking the purposely-terrible joke weapons that show up sometimes (like the mop in Chrono Trigger or the Bubble Gun in Earthworm Jim 2) – we're talking the weapons the developers thought you'd actually use at some point. These are the 15 worst weapons in videogame history.

15. Needler (Halo: Combat Evolved)

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The Needler can actually be a pretty effective weapon in Halo – assuming the target is totally still, your aim is on, and you have enough ammo. Unfortunately, players tend to move around in Halo (sometimes in different directions), getting the aim dead-on can be difficult, and if you don't have enough ammo, you're doomed. Hell, it's not like they're not being upfront with us at least – to "needle" typically means "to goad, provoke, or tease." Basically, it's a weapon designed to annoy your enemies – not kill them. And unfortunately, "killing" is a pretty important thing to do in Halo. Luckily, the Needler was improved in subsequent Halo games, stealing the raw power once held by the mighty Pistol.

14. Grenades (Fallout 1 & 2)

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Grenades are pretty useful items in the later Fallout games, thanks to a rejiggering of the skills. However, back in the isometric, PC-only Fallout days, there was a skill called "Throwing", only useful for grenades and thrown weapons (like spears and…well, mainly spears). If you put any skill points into the category, you were absolutely crazy – grenades were somewhat rare, usually ineffective, and there were about 50 other categories that were more useful to you. As a result, attempting to throw a grenade without a decent skill level would usually result in the grenade blowing up right next to you instead of anywhere near where you meant to toss it. Suddenly your character totally lacked the basic competence to not throw an active grenade right next to his ankle. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if Vic wasn't "accidentally" shooting you in the back at the same time.

13. Single Banana Peel (Mario Kart series)

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There are some truly horrible things about leading a race in Mario Kart: the constant fear of being blue-shelled, the stress of needing to powerslide every turn, but maybe the worst part is that you get the worst items. Odds are you're going to get a single green shell or a single banana peel every time. At least the shell can be shot forwards or backwards and can be pretty useful. The single banana peel? Not so much. A stationary distraction if left behind, a piss-poor shield if held onto, and you're almost definitely going to run into it yourself if you shoot it in front of you.

12. Daggers (Castlevania)

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Fighting vampires is never easy, but the daggers in Castlevania want to make it especially hard on you. They're weak, difficult to aim properly, and you're almost definitely going to switch out a way better sub-weapon for it at some point and be really pissed. It's almost as bad as Alucard realizing his dad just named him his own name backwards.

11. Flamethrower (Contra)

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To be fair, you could say the worst weapon in Contra is "anything other than the Spread Gun" because, c'mon, the Spread Gun is maybe the best gun of all-time. But the flamethrower stands out above the rest as the one particularly useless gun in Contra. It's crazy to imagine a flamethrower being the worst weapon in any game, but the Contra one was special. It was essentially shooting a slow, circling fireball at enemies. Even the laser was better, even if it was hard as hell to aim properly. Maybe the next time the government sends in two shirtless dudes to take on an army, at least give them enough Spread Guns to seal the deal.

Filed Under   the dorklyst   dorklysts   weapons
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