Pwn Up: Bwnus Edition

By Andrew Bridgman / December 30, 2013

We love Pwn Up and reading tons and tons of weird, funny nerdy stories. But, with any submission-based thing, there are some baaaaaaaad submissions. And not just "horrible spelling/grammar" bad submissions - just odd, obviously awful submissions that no one should have even considered sending in, but did anyways. These are just a small sampling of the worst ones. Enjoy!

 

Pwn Up: Bwnus Edition

 

The "Horrible Significant Other, I Mean Seriously" Award goes to...

A friend invited me and my girlfriend travel on a wekend to her country house with all expenses payed, we where very excited to go on our first trip together, but as it turned out the wekend was the same as the pre-launch of Guild Wars 2, I had already bought the game on pre order and already joined a Hardcore PVP guild just ancionsly waiting on the game, a convicide my girlfriend to decline the trip just so I can play the pre-launch. Still waiting on the game and on her breaking up with me, still worth it.

-John

 

The "This Is a Bad Metaphor, Please Stop Using This Metaphor" Award goes to...

My girlfriend likes it when I go Super Saiyan on her. The problem is, I can only hold it for less than two minutes. Six months ago she told me to go Super Saiyan, I was doing pretty well- stamina was high, I was still in good form. I figured I should take it to next level, finish her once and for all with the finale by ascending to Super Saiyan 2.She's now six months pregnant.

-Jack

 

The "Please Stop It With These Metaphors For Sex, Also Never Ever Type 'Twas' When Making These Metaphors" Award goes to...

I started to date my actual girfriend around the same time I bought Zelda, Skyward Sword. When I sleept for the first time in her house, hours before I was in a big marathon playing the game. After our fist time, I completely pass ou of tiredsome. Then, in the middle of the night, she wake up and started to hump on me, to pass her hands between my legs... Meanwhyle, I was dreaming with Skyward Sword, but, of course, I had sex with her anyway. The thing is, in my mind I was Link making a adventure in a dungeon, and I was making my way to her legs, breast, her ass... as if I was making progress in a map. Every time I did a "achievment", 'twas like I was listening to the jingle of new intens/openning chests. Her vag, actually, I saw as a dungeon boss that I defeated it with my Master Sword. Even so, 'twas one of the best performances of my life.

-Gibson

 

The "Why Did You Send This To Pwn Up?" Award goes to...

So the first time i had sex with my girlfriend we were cuddling afterwards and i pick up my iPhone and go to You-tube and played "I Just had Sex" by the Lonely Island. We both sat in bed and sung it trying not to wake our housemates.

-Bryan

 

The "Holy Crap, That Is Seriously Not a Healthy Way To Deal With Your Issues" Award goes to...

I'm a huge fan of Fallout 3, and I was a huge fan of my now ex-girlfriend. So, being the genius I am I made my character look exactly like her. I use to feel bad when she would explode, or drown, or be shot at, or burned alive. But now, since she dumped me my favorite pass time is watching her die in the most gruesome ways.

-Anonymous

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up
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