7 Reasons it Sucks Living in an RPG World

By Andy Grossman / March 20, 2012

4. Your Town Will Burn Down

7 Reasons it Sucks Living in an RPG World - Image 1

Despite the fact that your village only has a population of ten, the Evil Empire sort of needs to slaughter everyone to teach a lesson to the other five cities with ten people in them. Don't worry, though: the most annoying kid in your town will live and sort of halfheartedly get vengeance for you while also meeting and banging a super beautiful girl.

3. All The Books Are Five Pages Long

7 Reasons it Sucks Living in an RPG World - Image 1

You sit down by the fireplace with a new book that cost 50 gold pieces. You open it. "There once was a Fire King who lived a Frost Princess." Oh, this is going to be good! Next page. "But the council didn't approve. They banned the couple's love." Oh my God! "Continued In 'Fire King & His Bride Book 2'". Boo!

No wonder everyone talks in short sentences such as, "Welcome to our town!" and "I am sworn to carry your burdens!" If their novels are shorter than most Tweets, they probably think small talk is grunting towards the weather.

On the plus side, this makes doing book reports for class much easier. That is, if the town your school is in wasn't burned to the ground by Emperor Death Sad.

2. You'll Never Go For A Romantic Walk On The Beach

7 Reasons it Sucks Living in an RPG World - Image 1

You'll also never go hiking or mountain climbing or gardening. Because the moment you step outside, a massive grasshopper will burn you to death with fire spells. The moment you leave your city, you are a dead person. Sure, you can spend years of your life walking outside, killing a slime, going to bed, and doing it again. But is it worth all that effort when the closest thing is just another city with slightly better swords in their shop?

1. Your Basement Is Screwed

7 Reasons it Sucks Living in an RPG World - Image 1

Outside your city isn't the only place that sucks for continuing to live. If you have a basement, it's filled with rats. And not the types of rats you see on the subway tracks. Giant, oversized rats who bred fear out of their systems years ago. And that's if you're lucky. Unlucky, and it's probably spiders. Or just some giant tunnel into an underground world where the undead hang out and protect a treasure that's not even that good because your town is at the beginning of the game.

Even worse, the local bartender is a total dick about his basement in particular. He won't even give you a beer until you clear his wine cellar of ghosts. How do you do that? Hell if you know, you spec'd a high charisma character because you wanted to play fancy.

Filed Under   the dorklyst
Comments ()