If you're like me, you don't follow politics, but you do play a lot of Mario Kart. And if you live in the US, it turns out you have to vote this year. If you live somewhere else, I honestly have no idea. EITHER WAY, here is a political identity test based solely on your experience playing Mario Kart, which will hopefully help you make informed decisions, or at least edit your Facebook profile.
1.) Which of the following best describes your thoughts on the lightning item?
a.) It's a necessary item that gives struggling players a better chance to catch up.
b.) It's an unfair item that slows down players who have worked hard to stay in the front.
c.) It's good in theory but too often abused when players start squishing each other.
d.) If you use lighting right before the Wario Stadium jump, you deserve the electric chair.
2.) Which of the following best describes your thoughts on guys who want to play as Peach?
a.) Peach is fabulous, and everyone has the freedom to choose her.
b.) Ugh. I guess it's fine if you're doing single player in the privacy of your own home.
c.) The only debate here is fast acceleration vs. responsive steering.
d.) It's fine unless your favorite course is Rainbow Road and your favorite item is a banana (I realize the item is technically a banana peel, but you get what I'm saying, right?)
3.) When battling your roommate in one-on-one Skyscraper and losing 20 games to 4, what do you do?
a.) Accept defeat. You shouldn't have started a battle you could never win in the first place.
b.) Stay the course. After all the time and energy you've invested, you owe it to yourself to win.
c.) Rather than playing a battle you should focus on games closer to home like your Luigi Raceway time trials.
d.) I realize it's a big level for two people but why are you not playing Block Fort? 24 games in a row in Skyscraper? You need a change of scenery.
4.) Which best describes your use of shells?
a.) Play it safe and keep your shells as a protective shield. You should only fire if it's red and you absolutely must.
b.) Blow up as many people as you can and get rid of every other item immediately so you can get more shells to blow people up.
c.) Every situation presents a unique strategy, and shells are best used when you can shoot someone you hate off a cliff.
d.) Why isn't there an option where you can turn off shells or weapons? Sometimes I just want to focus on driving.
5.) Do you watch the award ceremony or exit out?
a.) Exit out. There's not an actual trophy in the sky, and it's stupid to pretend that there is.
b.) Watch the award ceremony. The players at the top of the podium worked harder than everyone else to get there, and they deserve some respect.
c.) It's inevitable that only three players will be on the podium, and whether or not you watch the award ceremony should not affect your gameplay.
d.) Big Berthas are my favorite species of Cheep Cheep so obviously I never miss a ceremony.
6.) Which Mario Karts are your favorite?
a.) Mario Kart 7. It's amazing how they keep progressing.
b.) Super Mario Kart. Nothing beats the original.
c.) Mario Kart 64. I like that it falls in the middle.
d.) I think I see where you're going with this one, but those versions came out in '92, '96, and 2011, so the analogy kind of sucks.