The Dorklyst: 6 Great Moments of Retribution in Videogames

By Daniel Abromowitz / September 21, 2011


Rarely in life do people get what they deserve. Your boss still thinks AltaVista is the world's best search engine and gets checks with more zeroes. The ex-boyfriend who backed over your dog has a profile picture with a new girl every weekend. You have crabs. In our universe, God plays dice, but in video games, you can murder God for giving you crabs. Here are some of the greatest moments of virtual people getting what's coming to them.


6. Finally Fighting The SA-X (Metroid Fusion)


The Metroid series has always been more geared towards creating a moody atmosphere than filling the player with eye-rolling, pants-pissing terror. Metroid Fusion opted to buck that formula. Though the addition of an AI companion alleviated some of the overwhelming solitude, Metroid Fusion more than made up for it by pitting Samus against the SA-X, an unstoppable juggernaut of an alien parasite.

Your relationship starts off on a bit of a low note when it steals your really cool suit and all of your really cool power-ups. The SA-X operates on the decidedly dickish MO of showing up at totally unexpected times and cooly murdering you with your own really cool weapons. It's incredible to experience how quickly the sense of being a bad-ass bounty hunter is wiped away by being forced to cower in an airduct. Not until the very end of the game are you able to actually make a stand against it, at which point all your pent up feelings of impotence and fear come bursting out in a few massive charge shots. Plus, by that point, you've got a brand new really cool suit.

5. Beating Your Rival (Pokemon)


From the very first minute you meet this guy, he's mouthing off like he's the cock-of-the-walk and you're a ripe heap of human garbage. What's more, you haven't done a thing to him (well, you might have; Pokemon games are only slightly more tightly plotted than Tetris). Maybe he's grumpy because his own grandfather can never remember his name (it's PENIS), but any way you slice it, the guy's a grade-A PENIS. So when it comes time to pick your starter Pokemon, and he waits so he can get the one that beats yours, it's time to wipe the grin off his smug, pixelated face.

Murdering his very first Pokemon feels good, but doing it again and again feels even better, not in the least because he brags about them at the start of every encounter. And, unless you're grinding away in tall grass for hours on end, they are always better than yours, at least ostensibly. Just another reason why forcing this douchebag to fork over a wad of cash and slink off with his tail between his legs is such delicious retribution.

4. Killing Hitler (Wolfenstein 3D)


Killing the most evil man in history is one thing, but killing the most evil man in history after discovering he's a cyborg with machine gun hands exists on a whole 'nother level of justice. By amping up the goofy grindhouse factor beyond reasonable levels, Wolfenstein 3D managed to sidestep any and all questions of ethics, geopolitical consequences, or historical accuracy. Killing Hitler, the man, might compel you to soberly meditate on the darkness that lurks in the souls of all men. Killing Hitler, the cyborg with machine gun hands, almost certainly compels you to spring up and shout, "Fuck you, Hitler, you piece of shit cyborg with machine gun hands, I just won World War II!" And you did.

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