The Dorklyst: 7 Unsung Heroes of the Original Star Wars Trilogy

September 9, 2011

3. Biggs Darklighter


It takes a lot of cojones to lead an attack run in the Death Star trench, but it takes a scrotum full of watermelons to be the guy behind him acting as a X-Wing/human shield. And unlike some pilots that head back to base at the first sign of mechanical failure, Biggs stuck around and went down with the ship, allowing Luke enough time to pull off a near impossible shot.

And let's not forget Biggs as an inspiration for Luke joining the Rebellion. If Biggs wasn't filling Luke's head with stories of the Academy, Luke could have been sipping blue milk with Aunt Beru instead of saving the galaxy. Sipping blue milk until the Stormtroopers burned him alive, of course.

2. Arvel Crynyd


You've never heard this guy's name, and yet, his brave sacrifice resulted in the destruction of the Executor, Lord Vader's flagship and the command ship of the Imperial Navy. Crynyd served as Green Leader in the battle against the second Death Star, where his A-Wing was badly damaged by enemy fire. But did this guy pull a Wedge (cheap shot #2) and "back off" to Rebel Base? Fuck no. Cyrnyd adjusted his basketball-sized testicles (testicle reference #2) and aimed his spiraling ship at the Executor's control deck, destroying the mammoth vessel and killing himself in the process. Only Admiral Ackbar acknowledged his sacrifice, solemnly nodding as the rest of his crew whooped it up like one of their comrades didn't just fucking die. Ackbar loves bravery almost as much as he hates traps.

1. Lando Calrissian


Despite leading a successful attack on a Death Star and being an instrumental part of the Rebellion's victory over the Empire, Lando is arguably the least popular main character because he "betrayed" Han Solo. And that's bullshit. Lando had no choice but to hand Solo over to Vader. As the leader of Cloud City, he had a responsibility to protect his cloud people (killer band name). If Lando resisted, Vader would have taken the city by force and caught up with Luke and the others regardless. Luke later turns himself in after all.

Lando's smarts allowed for the quiet escape of the Falcon and the evacuation of Cloud City; a superior alternative to a head-on fight with the Empire. Whereas Han and Chewie would prefer charging at Darth Vader with their blasters out, Lando would prefer everyone not dying. He's Han Solo for the thinking man and smooth as hell. "You truly belong here with us among the clouds." Are you kidding me? The man probably shits silk.

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