The Dorklyst: The 13 Most Annoying Characters From Final Fantasy Games

July 21, 2010


Final Fantasy games are story-driven with many hours of gameplay, meaning you really get to know the characters. Sometimes that's a good thing. Other times? Not so much. Here's our tribute to the 13 characters that made us want to jump off a Mako Reactor.

1. Yuffie Kisaragi (Final Fantasy VII)


No Final Fantasy party is complete without an annoying, hyperactive teenager. But unlike your other spunky companions, Yuffie isn't content with merely giggling and offering up the occasional idiotic quip: She'd rather steal all of your material, leaving you without magic for an entire section of the game. The worst part? Yuffie's a secret character, so you have to do extra work just to have her screw you over. Sephiroth himself probably did less damage to the party, and he straight up murdered one of the main characters.

2. Gau (Final Fantasy VI)


Inside the Square Offices:-"Mr. Kitase! I created a new character for FFVI. He's a wild boy who adds nothing the game's central plot, speaks like Tarzan with a developmental disability, can't equip weapons, and doesn't have an "attack" command. In fact, his only real option in battle is "Rage," which makes him use the same move over and over again no matter what the player wants him to do."-"You're fired."-"Yeah, I kind of realized that halfway through."

3. Squall Leonhart (Final Fantasy VIII)


Gamers went nuts for sullen hero Cloud in FFVII. Square, excited that they had finally designed a character that resonated with moody, socially-constipated RPG gamers worldwide, decided to crank the angst-o-graph up to 11 for the next installment and gave us Squall Leonhart, one of the gloomiest assholes in video game history. Squall is the type of person birthday clowns refer to as a code "oh shit." He can suck the happiness out of a room faster than Ghandi at a steak-eating contest. Not to mention the fact that his signature weapon, the gunblade, couldn't actually fire bullets, so it was basically a regular sword with a revolver grip. Or as engineers would call it, "stupid." Bottom line: Gamers were stuck playing through FFVIII as a guy who was afraid to dance with girls, wore a fur-lined jacket and emo bangs, and carried around a huge metaphor for his own erectile dysfunction. And people play these games to escape from their own lives.

4. Tidus (Final Fantasy X)


Square heard players complain about playing as a Trent Reznor lookalike all through FFVIII. But instead of just scaling down the emo, they decided to pull a full 180° and punish us for our hubris. Enter Tidus, the cheery beach-blonde protagonist of FFX, who dresses like he was at ground-zero of a cosplay explosion. But that's not to say he's one-dimensional – Tidus spends a lot of the game struggling with a deep hatred for his own father. But since his dad is a giant monster who's massacring the entire planet, it's not like that's an unpopular stance. Besides being generally shitty, Tidus is also an avid blitzball player – blitzball being a fictional sport that takes the difficulty of soccer and combines it with all the fun of drowning. Halfway through a match, you'll want nothing more than to murder your opponents, your teammates, and everyone inside the stadium. It's too bad you can't, because a rampage like that would have made Tidus the greatest FF character in history, zippered lederhosen and all.

5. Brother (Final Fantasy X)


You don't have to be playable to be annoying, and there's no better example of that than Brother. Sure, the mohawk, tattoos, and talking to himself are strange, but perhaps the most disturbing thing about Brother is his undying love for his cousin. But unlike FDR, Brother's desire to keep love in the family isn't exactly endearing. In fairness to him, you can get away with almost anything when you're in a wheelchair…and salvage a nation's economy, help win World War II, and don't dress like your posing for a "Firefighter Hunk of the Month" Calendar.

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