The Dorklyst: The 9 Coolest Motorcycles in Videogame History

By Owen Parsons and Caldwell Tanner / July 21, 2011


9. Excitebike (Excitebike)


No list of awesome videogame motorcycles would be complete without the classic pixelated motocross simulator featured in pizza parlors across the country. It usually came as a twofer with Super Mario Bros., but that was just a decoy to keep the other kids away from the screen where true red-blooded 9-year-old motorcycle fanatics could hold court.

Sure, the bikes themselves aren't that great. They overheat and stall out if you so much as brush up against the throttle. But for those fleeting moments after you launch your bike off a giant ramp, as you soar over the rest of the pack like a majestic two-stroke eagle, all those engine troubles are forgotten. And nothing surpasses the pleasure of overtaking that speedy blue asshole & clipping his front tire, forcing him into a brutal head-over-handlebars tumble. I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure this was the first Nintendo game where trying to give your opponent a spinal injury was a key part of the gameplay.


8. Ballista (Blast Corps)


Blast Corps is a N64 cult favorite with perhaps the greatest premise in videogame history: "Attention, Blast Corps! The truck carrying our nuclear missiles is out of control! If it runs into a building, it will blow up the entire city! We need you to blow up the city before it does." Your orders might be insane, but in your boss's defense, it's probably hard to formulate a coherent plan while you're busy masturbating to building demolitions on YouTube.

To achieve urban annihilation, you pilot not only bulldozers & dumptrucks, but giant smashy robots & a missile-equipped motorcycle called the Ballista. I repeat: this is a game with three different kinds of giant mecha and they only thought to give missiles to the motorcycle. Blast Corps is not a particularly well-thought-out organization: the only way to pass the entrance exam is to set your desk on fire & run your examiner over with a backhoe. So the Ballista saves the city from a runaway missile truck by using… missiles? Whatever. If City Hall has a problem with how the Blast Corps does business, then the Blast Corps has a problem with City Hall not being rubble.

Oh, shit! PROBLEM SOLVED.


7. Mechano-hog / Mekgineer's Chopper (WoW)


The entire universe of World of Warcraft operates under a strict "Fuck you this barely makes sense" line of logic, and no vehicle represents that rebellious form of world building better than a motorcycle. The Horde's Mechano-Hog and its Alliance counterpart, Megkineer's Chopper, can both be easily acquired. All you need is an engineering proficiency of 450, a variety of enchanted ingredients, and roughly twice the amount of time it would take to build an actual motorcycle. Perhaps the best part about these Azerothian Cycles is that they come with a sidecar capable of carrying an extra player, which is better than riding bitch, but still lamer than even the lamest thing you could ever do in real life.

Filed Under   the dorklyst   motorcycles
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