The Dorklyst: 7 Promised Sequels We'll Probably Never See

By Sophie Prell / July 12, 2011


Seeing as how LulzSec recently ended their hacker crasher cruise, I thought I would be a good Samaritan and fill the lulz/asshole void. So allow me, dear readers, to be your troll for a day. Allow me to show you the way things are, as heartless and cruel as you like it. Here are seven promised videogame sequels that, as much as you might want them, will probably never come to be.

That's right. Cry. Cry, and fuel my list of torment. For it begins with…


7. Psychonauts 2


To be fair, we could make a list entirely out of Tim Schafer projects alone, but Psychonauts holds a special place in gamers' hearts and minds (see what I did there?). The first game followed Raz as he climbed the ranks from cadet to Psychonaut, all the while unraveling a conspiracy amongst the camp counselors who were supposed to be helping him. Just as he finally sorts out his powers, and an exciting new psychic crisis presents itself, the game ends. The cliffhanger practically begs for a sequel, and Schafer himself said back in November 2010 he was ""ready" for a Psychonauts 2."://www.computerandvideogames.com/275156/news/psychonauts-2-tim-schafer-is-ready-to-do-it/

He seemed pretty proud of his cult classic, saying that, "Over the years it's gotten into the hands of a lot of people, through being two dollars on Steam for a while, and being pirated [empahsis added]," and that, "…if all these people were going to buy the sequel it would be a big hit."

Oh, yeah! If only all those pirates — you know, people who steal shit — would just buy the game, maybe it would be a big hit! C'mon, publishers, what's holding you back from a business proposal like that? And think of all the merchandising you can do with this cuddly cast of characters.


6. Split/Second 2


Maybe you heard about the recent Black Rock Studio closing. In case you haven't, let me catch you up to speed. Black Rock, owned by Disney Interactive, made great racing titles like Pure, as well as Split/Second, obviously. And now they're closing, because you didn't buy enough copies of their games. That's right! It's all your fault.

But fret not, dear reader. I don't blame you. Mickey Mouse does. That's right, you pissed off the world's most lovable mascot and he refuses to take your shit anymore. Don't want to buy an incredibly awesome game where you smash your opponents with jets? Fine. No more shall be made. Hey, that's business. And that mouse is one ruthless prick when you get right down to business.

If you're wondering how a racing game set up a sequel, here's the deal: at the end, out of nowhere, an old TV show comes back and demolishes the "set" that Split/Second takes place on, going to black with a bold font "TO BE CONTINUED." Think of Starsky and Hutch going apeshit and beating the crap out of CSI and you have a pretty good analogy.


5. Advent Rising 2


How's that million dollars working out for you, buyers of Advent Rising? Oh, that's right. Majesco called off that contest due to an Xbox Live time syncing problem that presented an uneven playing field. You'd think in the years of development and PR, Microsoft could have said, "Uh… hey, guys…" but no.

And so you got stuck with Gideon, a male Bayonetta wannabee (seriously, look at the proportion of legs to torso) that controlled like Konoko from Bungie's Oni suffering from an aneurysm. But if the targeting system didn't get you killed, don't worry: the console version's plethora of bugs was just as likely to freeze and crash as it was to do anything else.

Planned as the first installment of an epic, Orson Scott Card-penned sci-fi trilogy, the game didn't sell well and Majesco accordingly scrapped future plans. Interesting side note though: the aliens' home planet has the same name as the town I went to high school in. So, you know. That's cool.


4. Too Human 2


If you played and enjoyed Silicon Knights' Too Human, I have two things to say to you: first of all, congrats on surviving. Secondly, I actually take that congratulatory remark back, as you are clearly a cyborg or some other kind of monster that might enjoy a game experience comparable to being dipped in battery acid.

For the rest of you who haven't played, let me give you a less painful method to get the gist: watch the movie Outlander. It stars Jesus, who is actually a colonist from an advanced outer space civilization, who just happened to be carrying a giant dinosaur version of Predator when he crash lands on Earth and creates the legend of Beowulf. So basically, it's ancient myth as told through a super sci-fi armory.

Now make it a game and you've got Too Human, which was planned as a trilogy way back when it started development in 1999. Finally released in 2008, the game has not fared too well, resulting in a meager 65 on Metacritic and Silicon Knights embroiled in an ongoing legal battle with Epic Games over use of the Unreal engine. I'm sure that'll work out just fine for everyone.

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