Welcome. Today we're here to discuss breasts, and their influence on contemporary gamer culture. Mind you, this is no exploitation column. No, this is an art gallery my friend. And this is a piece of art. Were this a crude, uncouth exploration of the subject matter, many if not all of you could simply enter "boobs" into Google and find comparable material. Or, if you're looking for truly tasteless video game material, there's always Custer's Revenge
But this is no vulgar parade. No, grab your wine and sip from the rim in gentlemanly fashion, for today we dive into only the finest, most refined moments of videogame nudity today. No exploitation, no titillation: just fine, beautiful, sexy nudity.
6. Woo hoo! I made my Sim Woo Hoo! (The Sims)
While other games may throw in T&A (and sometimes D) for titillation or entertainment, there's nothing terribly attractive or exciting about it in The Sims. The whole point of making Woo Hoo with someone in this life simulator is to achieve goals or procreate. Sure, it might be a little silly when it comes to animation, but that's just in keeping with the aesthetic. It's not meant for a Spank Bank deposit. No, the Sims, even in their dirtiest hour, are clean and wholesome. There are no strip clubs in this world, no Sims Gone Wild. It's just sex, plain and pixelated.
Of course, that didn't stop you or I from downloading the mods so we could peep in on our hot neighbor as he or she took a shower what? You didn't do that?
Classiness Level 3: for giggles and silliness, but there's also nothing titillating about cartoons getting it on. Um, right?
5. Paradise is a hairy man's buttcrack (Dante's Inferno)
This game makes the list because, despite the prevalence of naughty bits, many of which either lactate demons or contain Lovecraftian tentacles not based on real-world physics that would sooner eat you alive than well, the other thing, there's actually a scene at the end of the game that treats nudity very simply and without objectification. No, really!
After Dante defeats Lucifer and is pulled to Paradise by his love Beatrice, we get a clear, no-holds-barred view of the Crusader's firmly toned ass. A couple times, actually. And hey, even the most adamantly heterosexual male can appreciate a lovingly pre-rendered boy butt when just preceding it was Satan's swinging goat dick.
Take note aspiring video game programmers: this is what your physics engine is for.
Classiness Level 5: for artful depiction of butt, sans giggles or fart noises.
4. Redefining "wet dream" (Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood)
What to do after saving the world from mass mind control and assaulting The Pope? Relax back home with Uncle "It's-A-Me" Mario in eternal peace and prosperity while shacking up with Caterina Sforza (in the sexiest pair of granny panties ever rendered) of course. But unfortunately for Ezio, that doesn't make for a very interesting game, and soon Cesare Borgia comes a-calling with cannons at the ready. One even blows right through the assassin's room just before "Round Two" with the lovely Caterina in what I can only assume is the greatest metaphor for blue balls ever seen in history.
I have to imagine that Desmond got a little "excited" reliving that memory, and the Animus operating team orchestrated the interruption before they had to hose off the seat. Because Caterina? When she's got it, she flaunts it, and I can't imagine Ezio, Desmond, or any man holding up to those scorching good looks.
Classiness Level 7: for perfect Danielle Steel novel adaptation material.