Mayor Haggar's Press Conference

Good afternoon. Lets just get in to it. First question; Daily Reporter.

Hi, yeah, Mayor Haggar, why are you not wearing a shirt?

Because I wasn’t born wearing a shirt, and I’ll die not wearing one. Next question, from the Sun Times.

Don’t you think you should wear a shirt to a press conference?

Oh, THANK YOU, Clinton Kelly! No, I don’t. My exploding pecs and rugged core will make the scum of our town behave the same way teenagers do at Confession – cowering fear, and occasional soiled pants.

Isn’t that what the police force is for?

Excellent question, nerd, which brings me to my main topic – effective immediately, I’m disbanding the city’s police force.

WHAT? WHY?

Much like the producers of Dukes of Hazzard, I have a better group that can accomplish the same goal. Unlike the producers of Dukes of Hazzard, this plan will work. So from here on out, the criminal element will be handled by me and these two teenagers. Guy and Cody, come on out!

Sir, from the Post. What makes these guys better than an entire police force?

They’re good at karate.

That’s it? They’re good at karate?

Sorry, did I say good? I meant really, really good. Like Cody can do spins and shit and he doesn’t rip his super tight jeans.

Ha ha, careful honey! He’s a heartbreaker; he’ll steal your vagina right out from under your dress if you aren’t careful.

Mayor Haggar, how are you going to be equipped?

Did you not hear me? They’re SUPER GOOD KARATE DUDES. Hey Guy, I bet you could probably kick a bullet that was shot at you, huh?

Uh, I don’t know.

Ha! He’s an honest kid. Well, we’ll figure it out.

Sir, since you are the mayor, how will you be protecting yourself?

With these guys (HOLDS UP FISTS), Fred Dryer and Hunter.

Well, Mr. Mayor, you should probably at least wear a bullet proof vest…

Who am I, 50 Cent? Listen, I don’t get out of bed at 5 AM every day to perform an intricate manscaping and baby oil ritual just to hide it behind 3 inches of kevlar. Look at this mustache…it’s thick and luscious, like Gabourey Sidibe. Now imagine wrangling a whole chest full of that thicket. No thank you, I’ll stick with my suspender.

Why not a belt, Mayor Haggar?

Because belts are for champions, and right now the champ is John Cena.

So, if we’re clear, you’re disbanding the police force, and leaving our public safety in the hands of a former wrestler and two kids from karate school?

It’s called a dojo, you—

Easy, powder keg! He’s right though, and another thing – there’s nothing FORMER about me. Once a wrestler, ALWAYS a wrestler, like firemen, or members of KISS. This also ties in to my second point – effective immediately, I am now ordering all citizens of Metro City to cook food and leave it in various crates and barrels around the city.

Mayor Haggar, that’s insane.

Look, I’m not asking ALL OF YOU to cook up a barbecue meal – although, as we all know, the FDA recently announced consumption of barbecue heals all wounds. I’m just saying, if you have a banana, or a pizza, or whatever, lying around, warm it up and hide it in a place we can smash. We get hungry fighting crime. Any further questions?

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

You know what? I’ve had it with you!

I hate wheelchairs, they’re filled with so many points! Aargh! You’re not my real dad!

Cody, son, easy…you’re screaming at a wheelchair. Ha, that kid has anger issues. And if the rest of you didn’t notice, if you go against my administration, I will PILE DRIVE YOU OUT OF EXISTENCE.