Critic Reviews a RollerCoaster Tycoon Park

May 12, 2010

Today I had the extreme misfortune of attending the 1-year anniversary of the amusement park, "Tootsie's Cabaret." Not only is it not amusing in the slightest, but I'm pretty sure it's a concentration camp and I'm shocked that I made it out alive.

I entered the park around 10 am for the modest fee of $5. The first ride I went on was a rollercoaster called "Tits" which basically goes around in a circle without ever leaving the ground. I am utterly shocked at how popular this ride is.

After; I waited in line for about 5 hours for the ride, "Death Jump." Here's where things got weird. Installers removed a critical piece of the track without stopping the ride, so the next train that went flew off the track and exploded in mid-air.

Death Count: 20

Getting out of line immediately, I realized I hadn't eaten yet so I decided to get some food. I walk over to the cheeseburger stall and inquire how much for a cheeseburger. The man illuminates me to the fact that all food and drinks in the park are apparently only 10 cents. So naturally I eat and drink as much as I can.

Then I find I need to use the facilities, so I head to the nearest bathroom. $5,000 dollars. The bathroom costs $5,000 dollars to use. I really had to go and I saw no other alternative so I paid the exorbitant amount, which I now utterly regret. During all this I heard that 10 people had drowned in a small pond 300 square meters away. How they got there is still a mystery to me

Death Count: 30

So I ambled on, looking at all the scenery (which was just flames and tornados) when I stepped in vomit. I looked down to see that the whole path was covered in it everywhere. The whole time I was at the park I didn't see any custodians. I did, however, count about 50 entertainers, all wearing panda costumes.

Completely freaked out and just wanting to leave, I look up and realized that not only was I completely lost, everyone around me was completely lost as well; and in the distant, way off the path, I was able to make out a good amount of people wandering around aimlessly. I watched as many of them collapsed due to starvation and exhaustion. People were dropping like flies all around me. It was the apocalypse in an amusement park.

Death Count: > 100

I ran as fast as I could. I didn't know where, I just knew if I stopped I was done for. People all around me were being lifted telepathically into the air and thrown into nearby lakes to their death. Others were being thrown into extremely deep pits. Workers were deleting the path all around me. In a matter of seconds the path leading to the exit would be gone. Just as I dove safely out of the park the path leading to the exit was deleted. I turned around to all the poor souls trapped inside. They screamed at me to save them. I told them I couldn't; there was no path, I had no idea how they could leave the park without leaving the path.

I'll never forget all those crying children as I walked away from the park. It's burned into my mind. I think… I think this is my last review. I'm sorry, but I can't go on like this.

Death Count: I just… I just don't know anymore…#

Filed Under   rollercoaster   review
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