Pwn My Life: Issue #69

April 1, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy they you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

I only like going to the mall because I can sit on the massage chairs in Brookstone and pretend Majin Bu is absorbing me.-Memo

I recently bought a big mirror and hung it on the wall above my bed. My wife thinks I did it to spice things up. The truth is, I did it so I can see the TV and play my old Virtual Console games while I crap.-Anonymous

I just spent the night looking up which traits of the Weasley and Potter families are dominant and recessive. I'm trying to predict what Harry's children will look like. I plan to compare it to the actors they use in the final movie.-Gary

In kindergarten, I was in a terrible accident. I needed over 200 stitches. During my time away from school, my teacher had the class write me get-well cards. Looking back, all but one referenced how good I was at Mario.-Jim

I always had terrible Pokemon cards as a kid. I had a rival who constantly mocked my bad Pokemon hands at school. When I was 10, I managed to acquire a Charizard card. I felt like the shit. I kept my hand on it in my pocket during the whole walk back from the corner shop that sold it to me. As soon as I got home I put it in the pants I'd be wearing the following day at school, so I wouldn't forget it. I was so psyched to gloat my way to the height of popularity and coolness. I even phoned my rival and rubbed it in his face. He called me a liar. I slept like a baby that night. When I woke up, my pants were nowhere to be found. I searched the house and then asked my mother. This is where the story takes a turn for the worse. She said "in the dryer." With tears forming, I ran to the dryer and saw my limp, black trousers tumbling around. I took them out and found a wet, curled card. The colors were missing in places. It looked as though Charizard was screaming in agony as he disintegrated. I cried the entire way to school. My rival mocked me further until I erupted in a burst of rage and repeatedly kicked him in the stomach until I was sent to the principal's office.-Anonymous

A while back I was playing through Zelda II on my old NES. It's working, but very fragile. Bumping it often turns off the game. Well, my best friend was over. He decided to do a flip for some reason. As a result, he accidentally kicked my NES, turning off the game and deleting all my save data. I was so furious with that I kicked him out of my house and haven't spoken to him since. It's been 7 years.-Anonymous

One day, I was performing maintenance on my unit's armored personnel carriers. My coworkers and I were discussing Batman when my platoon leader, a 2nd Lieutenant, overheard me. He made me do push-ups for an hour because, in his words, "comics are for fags."-PFC Dodson

And this week's "None of This Happened in Real Life, Bad Try" Award goes to:For a week, one girl tried to convince me to have sex with her. I didn't want to, because she had a boyfriend. After finally convincing me, she came over to my place. We did it and she wanted to bring another girl the next day for some more fun. I declined, because I was annoyed that she already wasted one day of my gaming.-Alex

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