Why They Cancelled America's Army

May 4, 2010

The US Army recently cancelled their free-to-play series of recruitment videogames. Here's why…

  1. An army briefing room. A four-star general enters with Herman, a pimply, greasy fifteen-year-old.

  2. General

    Men, meet Herman Wallace. He's topped the America's Army leadboard for the past five months, and we believe he is our best and brightest hope of winning this war.

  3. Herman

    Sup losers.

  4. The Middle East, a few weeks later…

  5. Marine Sargeant

    Commander Wallace! Insurgents have the compound surrounded. What are your orders?

  6. Herman

    OK, first thing, we need some health packs.

  7. Sargeant

    Sir?

  8. Herman

    Big white boxes with a red cross on them. Trust me, you do not want to get shot without one of those ready.

  9. Sargeant

    Sir, I'm not sure-

  10. Herman

    Fine, health packs later. Just find the rocket launcher, OK? Judging from the design of this level, it should be on that warehouse roof.

  11. Sergeant

    Sir, we could have brought a rocket launcher from base, no need to go scrambling-

  12. Herman

    Dammit, am I surrounded by n00bs? At least tell me someone is going after their flag.

  13. Private

    Incoming!

  14. Enemy fires pins down the marines.

  15. Herman

    Quick! I just unlocked the "Uber Headshot" achievement, I can take these guys.

  16. The Sargeant reluctanly hands him a rifle.

  17. Herman

    Hm. Are all the guns this heavy?

  18. BANG. The gun accidentally goes off, hitting the Private.

  19. Herman

    Ah! I didn't know it was, uh, bullet-filled.

  20. Private

    Tell my wife- I love her.

  21. Sargeant

    Damn it, James, you're going to live through this! MEDIC!

  22. Herman

    Told you we should have found health packs.

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