King Koopa Becomes Bowser

How much longer they got you walking between those two pipes?

Two more weeks on the job, then I’m retired. I can’t wait to see my kids again.

Hey guys!

Hey, King Koopa!

Ha, yeah, about that actually. You guys can just call me Bowser now.

Bowser? What’s Bowser?

It’s my new nickname. You know, I’m a big turtle dinosaur, and everyone bows before me. I am the Bow-saur! Or Bowser, cause that’s easier to say.

That’s retarded.

Oh my god! Well, I definitely think it’s cool!

Thanks! I knew I could count on you guys. So it’s settled, I’m Bowser from now on.

I don’t know. What was wrong with just being King Koopa?

Uh, well… it’s just that “King Koopa” was my father’s name. And his father’s, and his father’s before that. That’s kind of how monarchy works, you know? I figured it was time for a change.

So this has nothing to do with the fact that someone spray-painted “King Poopa” all over your castle last week?

Nope. Definitely not.

Look—I’m sorry, but you can’t just give yourself a new nickname. Especially if it’s something stupid like Bows-

My flesh!

Oh shit! Oh no!

Ha! Did you guys see that? Classic Bowser move.

That’s totally, uh… wow! In conclusion, great name, boss!

Look, I feel like I have to step in here. You are the boss. No one here’s arguing that. I just don’t think it’s appropriate for us to be displaying that level of familiarity with one another in the workplace. I mean, everyone called me “Boomer” my senior year of college, but I left all that behind me when I started here.

Really? “Boomer” is a pretty sweet name, dude.

Thanks.

It really suits you, too.

Hey guys, I changed my mind. Everyone call me “Boomer” from now on.

Jesus. Why can’t you just go by your first name?

Gaylord Koopa?

Point taken.

What’s up, dick-holders?

Hold your applause. Some nutmunch just delivered a box of business cards to my condo by mistake. Which one of you short-bus jockeys is named “Bowser”?

Um… uh, actually, those belong to-

Oh, hey, it’s King Poopa. How’s that IBS treating you, fagasaurus?

(muttering) …that’s actually, not my name… my name is Bowser, now…

These cards are yours? Nice lavender cardstock. Your name sounds like John Goodman trying to order dessert but all his chins keep getting in the way. Catch you later, koopa queers. Mario out!

You okay, boss?

Hey, don’t listen to that guy, he’s just jealous.

(sniff) You think so?

I know it. Hey, you know what would be classic? Let’s go kidnap his girlfriend and put her at the end of a series of progressively more difficult castles.

(sniff) Can we… can we fill the castles with lava?

I don’t know. What would Bowser do?

You guys are the best.