King Koopa Becomes Bowser

May 16, 2010
  1. Koopa Troopa, Goomba, Shy Guy and Bob-omb sit in a pub.

  2. Troopa

    How much longer they got you walking between those two pipes?

  3. Goomba

    Two more weeks on the job, then I'm retired. I can't wait to see my kids again.

  4. King Koopa enters.

  5. King Koopa

    Hey guys!

  6. Everyone

    Hey, King Koopa!

  7. King Koopa

    Ha, yeah, about that actually. You guys can just call me Bowser now.

  8. Everyone looks confused.

  9. Goomba

    Bowser? What's Bowser?

  10. King Koopa

    It's my new nickname. You know, I'm a big turtle dinosaur, and everyone bows before me. I am the Bow-saur! Or Bowser, cause that's easier to say.

  11. Goomba

    That's retarded.

  12. King Koopa crushes Goomba.

  13. Troopa

    Oh my god! Well, I definitely think it's cool!

  14. King Koopa

    Thanks! I knew I could count on you guys. So it's settled, I'm Bowser from now on.

  15. Shy Guy

    I don't know. What was wrong with just being King Koopa?

  16. King Koopa

    Uh, well… it's just that "King Koopa" was my father's name. And his father's, and his father's before that. That's kind of how monarchy works, you know? I figured it was time for a change.

  17. Bob-omb

    So this has nothing to do with the fact that someone spray-painted "King Poopa" all over your castle last week?

  18. King Koopa

    Nope. Definitely not.

  19. Shy Guy

    Look—I'm sorry, but you can't just give yourself a new nickname. Especially if it's something stupid like Bows-

  20. King Koopa breathes fire on Shy Guy.

  21. Shy Guy

    My flesh!

  22. Shy Guy collapses into a burning heap.

  23. Troopa

    Oh shit! Oh no!

  24. King Koopa

    Ha! Did you guys see that? Classic Bowser move.

  25. Troopa

    That's totally, uh… wow! In conclusion, great name, boss!

  26. Bob-omb

    Look, I feel like I have to step in here. You are the boss. No one here's arguing that. I just don't think it's appropriate for us to be displaying that level of familiarity with one another in the workplace. I mean, everyone called me "Boomer" my senior year of college, but I left all that behind me when I started here.

  27. Troopa

    Really? "Boomer" is a pretty sweet name, dude.

  28. Bob-omb

    Thanks.

  29. Troopa

    It really suits you, too.

  30. King Koopa

    Hey guys, I changed my mind. Everyone call me "Boomer" from now on.

  31. Bob-omb

    Jesus. Why can't you just go by your first name?

  32. King Koopa

    Gaylord Koopa?

  33. Bob-omb

    Point taken.

  34. Mario

    What's up, dick-holders?

  35. Mario stands at the door to the pub. A hush falls over the patrons.

  36. Mario

    Hold your applause. Some nutmunch just delivered a box of business cards to my condo by mistake. Which one of you short-bus jockeys is named "Bowser"?

  37. King Koopa

    Um… uh, actually, those belong to-

  38. Mario

    Oh, hey, it's King Poopa. How's that IBS treating you, fagasaurus?

  39. King Koopa

    (muttering) …that's actually, not my name… my name is Bowser, now…

  40. Mario

    These cards are yours? Nice lavender cardstock. Your name sounds like John Goodman trying to order dessert but all his chins keep getting in the way. Catch you later, koopa queers. Mario out!

  41. Mario flicks the cards in King Koopa's face and exits. Long silence. King Koopa sniffles.

  42. Troopa

    You okay, boss?

  43. Bob-omb

    Hey, don't listen to that guy, he's just jealous.

  44. King Koopa

    (sniff) You think so?

  45. Bob-omb

    I know it. Hey, you know what would be classic? Let's go kidnap his girlfriend and put her at the end of a series of progressively more difficult castles.

  46. King Koopa

    (sniff) Can we… can we fill the castles with lava?

  47. Bob-omb

    I don't know. What would Bowser do?

  48. King Koopa

    You guys are the best.

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