The Dorklyst: The 10 Most Frustrating Achievements in Xbox Live History

March 24, 2011



Remember the good ol' days, when you could just beat a game, pop open a celebratory 2-liter of Mountain Dew, and then move on with your life? Those days went away the instant that Achievements were introduced. Now we live in a world where your work on a game is done only when you've beaten each level perfectly 10 times and played for a month straight – and that's the easy ones. Some games include achievements that seem like jokes – surely the developers never thought anyone would actually waste enough time to complete them. But gamers never walk away from a challenge. They do, however, bitch about them on the internet. Here are the 10 most frustrating achievements in Xbox Live history.


10) Aperture Science (Portal) – Earn gold medals on all Portal challenges (40G)



While Portal got a lot of praise when it came out for its unique, hilarious, and fun style of gameplay, no one really mentioned how this achievement would take all that goodness and twist it around to sinister ends. A few of the challenges could be entertaining if only to screw around with the game's great mechanics, but some other ones (Least Steps, go walk off a cliff in 10 steps or less, please) were brutally difficult and frustrating. The only thing that could comfort you after a few hours of these challenges would be a nice big slice of cake, and …wait – WHAT? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!


9) Vesperia Master (Tales of Vesperia) – Aim for total completion (0G)



Okay – this is just plain insulting. Getting all of the achievements in Tales of Vesperia is no easy task (Secret Mission 17, Item Nerd, etc.), but then to offer you absolutely ZERO gamer points for it? Fine, if that's your attitude, maybe we'll just play and enjoy the game without considering arbitrary points and achievements. No! I didn't mean it! Come on, daddy needs that shiny new gamerscore!


8) Grand Pearl Pooh-Bah (Hexic HD) – Surround one piece with six black pearls (25G)



Hexic is a great, addictive puzzle game, something that doesn't happen very often in this grand age of fancy graphics and dialogue-heavy gaming – but mastering it is a wee bit more difficult than your average Tetris-clone. Saying Hexic is a little complex is like saying Charlie Sheen is a little overexposed. And getting six black pearls into a sunflower would take zen-like focus and months of practice to even get close to it. Hell, getting a few black pearls at all is an insane accomplishment, but once you factor in bombs, you realize it would take Rain Man himself to finish this. And he's busy being Ben Stiller's fake dad for at least ten more Fockers sequels.


7) Celebrity Status! (Burnout: Revenge) – Online Superstar! Bagged by getting a Clip in the Top 20 Downloads (65G)



This is one of the few achievements that you really don't have an active role in completing. All you can do is record your most badass and/or amazing clip, share it, and… hope that other people find it really great too. Sure, you can embarrass yourself and ask your friends to download it, create fake accounts just to tediously crank up your own numbers, or beg anonymous strangers on the internet, but all of those options are really, really pathetic. Then again, better to be pathetic with an extra 65G than just plain old pathetic.


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