The Dorklyst: The 6 Greatest Videogame Theories on the Internet

March 17, 2011

3) Diablo: The Secret Cow Level


In the mid-nineties, game forums and message boards were teeming with ridiculous theories about a cow level in the original Diablo; a secret area populated by demon bovine and a powerful cow king. Some speculated that by clicking on the Tristram cows a certain number of times, you could summon a portal that would transport you there. Others claimed that it was reachable by performing an insane fetch quest or by engaging in a particular action on a certain day of the year. The rumors were officially dispelled in Starcraft with the inclusion of the code, "there is no cow level" that allowed users to automatically win the game. However, the theory was so popular that Blizzard would eventually add a cow level to Diablo II. The lesson in all of this? Ask for stupid shit and ye shall receive stupid shit.

2) Legend of Zelda: Link Meets His Own Ghost


Since the Legend of Zelda series takes place over the course of centuries, nearly every "Link" you play is just a new reincarnation of the same Hero of Time. You'd think the Hyrulians would notice that every hundred years or so, a jerk named "Ganon" kidnaps a princess named "Zelda" who is then rescued by some green-clad elfboy named "Link." But no, they're too busy sweeping their porches and raising their murder chickens. Go figure. In any case, these incarnations have never met one another. OR HAVE THEY?

BA-BUM-BUM!
In the beginning of Majora's Mask, Link enters the Lost Woods without a fairy to guide him, despite having been explicitly told that anyone who does that is cursed to be lost and transformed into a Stalfos. Flash-forward a hundred years or so to the events of Twilight Princess, where this game's Link runs into a character called "The Hero's Shade," who claims to be the ghost of a past hero. This suspiciously Stalfos-looking character responds to songs from Majora's Mask, and teaches Link sword techniques that can only be learned by those of "the hero's bloodline." He also tells the current Link to "believe in your strengths," the same advice that was given to Link back in Majora's Mask. Is this a touching reunion between past and future-self? And if so, where is our game starring skeleton ghost Link!? Forget this nancy-pants green tunic garbage, I want to carve up Moblins as a skull-faced phantom knight.

1) Pokemon: Cubone & Kangaskhan's Missing Link


Kangaskhan is a bit of an oddity - a kangaroo Pokemon that doesn't evolve, and when hatched, is born complete with a "baby" version of itself in its pouch, even though it's never a baby at all. Weird, to be sure, but they're magic monsters, so they've got some slack in the weird department. But players also noticed that the baby Kangaskhan bore a striking resemblance to a Cubone, an "orphan" Pokemon abandoned by its mother. After years of speculation, the great Internet Theory Engine cranked out the following logical deduction:

-- Prior to the original game's release, Cubone eventually evolved into Kangaskhan.

-- The developers must have removed the 'missing link' Pokemon that connected Cubone and Kangaskhan, and replaced it with the non-evolving Marowak.

-- Rather than deleting this missing link, the developers brushed it under the digital carpet by simply giving it a Pokemon index number of zero.

If you played the first two Pokemon games, you might recognize that index number as belonging to either MissingNo or 'M, the game glitch Pokemon that you can find surfing off the coast of Cinnabar Island. Coincidence? Obviously.

Except that when 'M levels up, IT EVOLVES INTO MOTHERFUCKING KANGASKHAN. HOLY LIVING CRAP. Mom! Call the FBI! Ask for Agent Mulder!

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