The Dorklyst: The 6 Greatest Videogame Theories on the Internet

March 17, 2011


Videogamers and conspiracy nuts share a lot of common ground: both spend most of their time indoors, both post long, meandering tirades on internet message boards, and both stare at flickering screens all day. The only difference is that one group is playing Xbox, and the other is flipping frame-by-frame through Obama's inauguration speech trying to spot his lizardman tail. But sometimes the groups overlap, and we end up with some crazy theories about our favorite games. Strap on your tinfoil hats, sheeple: here are six of the weirdest videogame fan-theories out there.

6) Pokemon: You Killed Gary's Raticate


Gary Oak (or "Blue" or "Douche", as you probably called him), pops up every now and then in the first generation of Pokemon games, battling you whenever it's least convenient and generally being a snarky pain in the ass. Sympathy for this jerk was pretty low until early last year, when someone spread this story around the net. In short, Gary has a Rattata / Raticate that is a staple of his lineup all the way to the S.S. Anne. After you pummel his team onboard the ocean liner, the next time you see him he's visiting Lavender Town, the final resting place for dead Pokemon. His Raticate is nowhere to be seen. Did the brutal onslaught of your Poke-skills lay his stalwart companion to rest? Are... are you the real "Douche" in this game? Man, I need to go sit down.

5) Super Mario Bros. 3: It's Just a Stage Play


The Internet had its collective mind blown when this image started making the rounds sometime last year. And it makes some damn good points: The curtain rises at the beginning of the game and closes at the end. The platforms are bolted to the backgrounds or supported by rope. Mario exits stage right into darkness once he finishes a level. I could go on, but there's no need to relive the childhood-crushing truth. It's almost as bad as that time I found out Santa was Tim Allen.

4) Earthbound: Giygas is a Fetus


Earthbound is a very fun, very weird RPG with a huge cult following and a very memorable final boss battle. At first glance, it looks like standard Japanese RPG fare. You're a group of young heroes pitted against a force of huge, insane, incomprehensible evil that goes by the name of Giygas. His final form is a swirling, shrieking mass, with no rhyme or reason to his... wait. There's something familiar about that shape... oh. Oh shit.
Yep, the corridor leading up to the battle looks like a cervix and the boss himself looks like a fetus. That combined with the fact that you were sent back in time to fight him in his vulnerable form has led some to draw the conclusion that you are, in fact, aborting the world's most evil baby. Oh, and his lines of creepy, babbling dialogue? Those were taken from a rape victim in a movie the developer saw. Told you this game was weird.


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