Valentine's Dorklyst: The 8 Dumbest Romances in Videogame History

February 11, 2011

2. Starkiller and Juno Eclipse (Star Wars: The Force Unleashed)



What list of subpar romance would be complete without a contribution from George Lucas? According to Wikipedia, early drafts for the game had Starkiller as an older guy who formed a fatherly connection with Princess Leia, but George Lucas belched down from his golden zeppelin and told the developers to get rid of that and have a love interest instead. So we got this. A Sith apprentice and the emotionless drone that flies his spaceship. A relationship that somehow makes Anakin and Padmé look like Romeo and Juliet. Okay, so that might be impossible, but it at least makes them look like my mom and her new boyfriend Dean.


1. Sonic and Princess Elise (Sonic '06)



Sonic the Hedgehog lives in an interesting world. A world where hedgehogs, foxes, and echidnas (echidnae? echidnides?) all have giant heads, sentience, and flashy two-toned shoes. There are regular woodland creatures and Dr. Robotnik is some kind of human, but it's all acceptable as part of the Sonic universe. In 2006's Sonic the Hedgehog, Sonic meets and falls for Princess Elise, who is a person. A person with regular proportions and a hypertextured dress and Lacey Chabert's cooing voice. And she falls for Sonic, a cartoon hedgehog. Apart from the barriers in race, species, and artwork, Sonic and Elise's romance is messed up because it's based on time travel. Both characters die at some point in the game to be mourned and resurrected by interdimensional time portals.

…I miss Mario and Peach.

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