Valentine's Dorklyst: The 8 Dumbest Romances in Videogame History

February 11, 2011

5. Tidus and Yuna (Final Fantasy X)



It's kind of weird watching two people fall in love when they have the exact same face. Add in tons of painfully awkward dialogue over an hour of unskippable cutscenes and a deep hatred for both parties involved and you've got the experience of suffering through Tidus and Yuna's romance. It's like they purposely hired Japanophilic thirteen-year-old girls to write the script so that any fan fiction would be indistinguishable from the real game content. The idea that love was anything like this scared countless young gamers away from dating for years. Or at least we can tell ourselves that.


4. Mario and Pauline (Donkey Kong)



Donkey Kong blazed a lot of trails for gaming, containing the first damsel-in-distress ever in a video game. Too bad the damsel is sort of impossible to rescue. Mario and his girlfriend Pauline can't spend more than a second staring at each other with a pink heart between them before Donkey Kong snatches her again and keeps climbing. The absolute best a player can hope for is a killscreen where Mario just drops dead. It finally was enough for Mario that he ditched Pauline for Princess Peach, a richer, taller blonde girl with a less-frumpy dress. Pauline is like the high-maintenance floozy your dad dated in high school before he met your high-maintenance mom.


3. Jimmy Lee, Billy Lee, and Marian (Double Dragon)



On one-player mode, Double Dragon is a standard arcade game where you just continue walking to the right, beating up strangers until you reach a girl. Too bad the game is almost impossible to beat on one-player mode. Two-player Double Dragon is the exact same thing, only once you get to the end, the whole thing becomes a horrifying tale of sibling rivalry when the two of you rescue Marian, your mutual love interest, and then fight one another for her affections. The whole game was a violent race to this shallow floozy who judges her potential mates based on fighting skill and gloats over the destruction of a lifelong brotherly bond.


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